But what does it take to develop and maintain relationships? Whether with friends, family or a life partner, good relationships are based in mutual trust, caring and effective communication. Start by asking yourself what "you" like in a friend or partner. Chances are it will be a combination of qualities similar to those below.
The qualities you like in others, others will like in you. Unlike the common saying "opposites attract", truly supportive relationships are more likely when people with similar values for companionship come together. If you want to attract people who have the qualities you value, be sure to work on these qualities yourself. You will be more attractive as a friend to the type of person (people) you seek to meet. And, you will bring out the best in those who are already committed to supporting you.
Communication skill is another aspect of support. This term refers to our ability and willingness to talk about ourselves, to make reasonable requests, and to listen to another with an accepting attitude. Without communication skill, a caring connection with another will be hard to initiate and harder to maintain.
Finally, social support depends on the community from which you draw. If you are alone much of the time, it may seem that support is not available at all. Or, if you spend a great deal of time with people who are unavailable for meaningful friendship, you may feel alone despite their physical presence. No one has to be lonely. While it is sometimes uncomfortable to begin the process, expanding your social circle may open up important new doors. Reaching out to make friends and joining new groups can make a big difference in your health and happiness.
Communications with Others
Communication is the task of helping another person see in their mind what we see in ours. What we need to communicate includes requests, instructions or information about our experiences and ourselves. We obviously use words to communicate, but also body movements, facial expressions, and various pitches and tones in our voice. By these means, others create pictures, feel feelings and understand our thought process.
There are also times when no action is communication. No words, no sounds, no gestures. In situations where the message is mute, the communication may be "I need to withdraw" or "I am not ready". At least, it could be interpreted this way.
So, here is the crux of so many communication errors: Interpretation! We interpret other people's verbal, non-verbal and even muted messages based upon our own experiences. They, on-the-other-hand, are usually relating to their own. Needless to say, ineffective communication can and does result. Miscommunication is often a barrier to understanding between people. When this happens, opportunity for support can be missed.
Reflect On Your Communication Style
One important skill in support building is communication style. There are four styles people use. While we use each of these styles at various times, most of us have one style of communication that is more comfortable and commonly used. However, of the four, the assertive style achieves the best results for building true support. This style respects both you and the one to whom you are speaking. It is an easy style to hear, and accept. It builds empathy and understanding, without compromising either party.
For passive individuals, developing assertiveness skills can be uncomfortable. It may help to remember that assertiveness is not aggressiveness. By speaking up and making reasonable requests of others, you do not imply that you are more valuable. You assert that you are "as valuable". It is also important to know that being assertive does not guarantee that you will get all that you want, or think that you need. It does insure that your cards, your needs, are at least on the table. Without that, you are unlikely to get find the support you need or help you desire.
For those who are aggressive, changing to a more assertive style can also be difficult. It is seductive to move through life with a sense of power or control. If we make demands, we usually get what we want. The problem with aggressiveness is that personal isolation often results. If others feel disrespected and unheard as a result of aggressive communication, they will eventually pull away. Others become resentful or angry, leading to open conflict. In the end, aggressiveness usually leads to loneliness, a lack of connection to others and no support.
Passive Aggressive communicators may be confused themselves by their difficulty in gaining support from friends and family. The problem is that initially, during a passive phase, true requests or expectations are not fully stated. As a result, a potential supportive ally may make false assumptions about the situation, and be unable to choose or change behavior based upon reality. A common pattern for passive-aggressive communicators is to let resentment build during a passive phase. Once they have "had enough", they switch to aggression or "blow up". This is a confusing communication pattern. It can lead to frustration and missed opportunities for support.
Poor communication can fuel stress, anger and depression. Frustration with self and others, as well as a lack of meaningful connections, is often the result of weak communication skills. To foster healthy relationships and create more positive emotional experiences for one's self, assertive communication skills are worth the effort they take to develop. One tool that can help guide the process of framing assertive statements is the DESC method. Don't expect change to come quickly, but practice with the techniques will improve your skill.
Meaning and Purpose
Consider the importance of meaningful activities and purpose in one's life. People who do not have a good reason to get up in the morning are less likely to thrive than those who do. Physical and emotional health both decline when we stop doing things we enjoy or we feel our life does not matter. Defining and pursuing what is most important can add to your life satisfaction, enhance your health and heighten your sense of well-being.
Meaningful activities make life worth living. They can be a lot of work, as are parenting, relationships, volunteering, or pursuing an education. They can also be light and fun, such as sports, dance, art, music, hobbies, humor, or travel. Both types are important. Balancing time should be an objective. Too much time spent in activities that are not satisfying, or avoiding activity altogether, will leave one with little enthusiasm, few smiles and more stress. It is important to routinely make time for things that bring satisfaction and enjoyment into your life.
Purpose refers to our belief that we matter, that our contributions are valuable. One's sense of purpose can be related to the lives of other people, the environment, discovery or invention, spiritual development or any number of other definitions. When positively defined, life purpose is a powerful reason to get up in the morning, to move forward in the face of challenge and contributes to life satisfaction. Positive goals and purpose are important to everyone, and there is no one path to realize them. A sense of purpose is personally derived, and must be personally pursued.
In Life's Odyssey, you have opportunity to evaluate the meaning and purpose in your life, as well as your current time priorities. From it, you can learn more about balancing activities to enhance quality of life.
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