Managing Anxiety: Expectations Are Killers

STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS - DON'T LET YOUR EXPECTATIONS GET THE BETTER OF YOU.

We do not want to "set ourselves up" ahead of time for feelings of failure and defeat. We do not want to try to "force" or "pressure" anything into happening on a particular rigid time schedule.

For example: "Today, I will go to work, march into the bosses' office, and get that raise I deserve so much."

Maybe this is a true statement, but there are too many things beyond your control in this statement that have nothing to do with overcoming anxiety.

You are setting yourself up for a fall, and it is likely that you will have one.

Maybe your company no longer is giving anyone raises. They do like your work, and they do not want to lose you, but perhaps company policy dictates that no raises are being given for the next six months.

If you take this personally and allow yourself to feel defeated, you are sabotaging yourself. Don't do it. This is not something to be taken personally.

It is NOT a slap in the face to you. This would occur to anyone asking for a raise during this time.

Or, consider this irrational expectation: "Tonight I will go out and meet someone..."

This is a big, bold, unrealistic expectation. Why? Yes, you can go out and "meet" someone, but what you mean is you want to meet someone interesting that may turn out to be a friend or a lover.

The trouble is, again, you do not have control over WHO is going to be "out there". If you have some scruples, and are really looking for a quality person who shares your interests, you have limited your chances tremendously.

This particular expectation is usually a real killer: you expect way too much, and all of it is out of your control. You are setting yourself up for defeat if you carry this expectation out.

Instead, a healthier, productive outlook is to generally increase your social activities in areas in which you have a legitimate interest. Your interest in the activity should come first, and your focus should be on having a good time that evening - not on any of the people who might be there.

If your FOCUS is on slowly expanding your social activities - and not on other things - you have automatically increased your chances of reaching your goal.

Yes, this is another paradox. the more and more (and desperately and desperately) you seek something and "expect" something, the more and more elusive it becomes.

It can turn into a depressive nightmare, and your progress against social anxiety can be halted. So, FOCUS on moving ahead for yourself, healing yourself, expanding your social circle very gradually for yourself, and you will be moving in the right direction.