Black or White, All or Nothing

One of the great downfalls of anxious people is their tendency to think in "all or nothing" terms. This is the essence of the pessimistic mindset.

The pessimist has a marked inability (through accumulated habits of thought) to see things as they are: a mixture of good and bad, simple and difficult, positive and negative. To such people, an endeavor with a downside is not worth undertaking. A relationship with a flaw it rotten through and through. A misbehaving child or a trying spouse is all bad, all the time. Such a perspective overwhelms and creates a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness begets anxiety and depression.

Such pessimism is not realism. Far from it. It is skewed, unwarranted thinking. Pessimists, for example, talk about how "my whole day is ruined" because of one negative event. But if forced to sit down with paper and pen, such complainers could find plenty of good - in fact, probably much more good than bad.

The most devastating aspect of "all or nothing" pessimism relates to events that may or may not occur in the future. "If that were to happen," the inner voice says, "it would be terrible. I couldn't stand it." Of course, that's not true. You could stand it. You might be miserable for a time or face a daunting challenge, but that's not the same thing as being unable to face it. But we convince ourselves and become fretful.

We're not forever stuck in our mindset. Thankfully, optimism is a learned discipline. What we must do is gain a more realistic vantage point, to cease our steady focus on what's wrong. We remind ourselves again and again that things are usually not as bad as they seem. That few things we encounter are unmitigated evils. That we really have more inner strength - even more life options - than we normally acknowledge.

When a pessimistic thought arises, challenge it. Ask yourself if it is truly rational. Would a disinterested bystander conclude the same thing? In other words, make the pessimistic thought prove itself - don't just swallow it as dogma. Make the thought answer logical objections that someone might bring against it, just as in a court of law. "All or nothing" thinking withers up under such scrutiny, because it's based on faulty reasoning.

Through repetition, we form our habits. The ice skater falls repeatedly until learning to glide over the ice. So it is with habits of thought. Cultivate the tendency to reject "all or nothing" and you'll become more optimistic, better able to face what life dishes out.

This is not a pie-in-the-sky philosophy that everything will turn out OK no matter what. That is naïve and presumptuous. True optimism - an attitude shorn of "black or white" assessments - helps us live well and find greater happiness.

It puts a lens over anxious eyes that they may no longer see such a distorted world.