The Conflict Within

Many anxiety sufferers, especially those with persistent worries and obsessions, fight constant inner battles. Those conflicts are usually between the emotions and the intellect. The content of the mental struggle may vary, but the pattern is the same: A troublesome thought arises and the emotions are galvanized into a fight-or-flight mode. The intellect, however, tries to shut the emotions down, recognizing the worry as baseless. But the emotions do not give up so easily. They fight on. The agitated feelings oppose the intellect’s assertions and keep the sufferer in a state of alarm.

The longer and more furiously this goes on, the more the intellect is worn down and gradually succumbs to these fears. While it was once offering such reassurances as, "This is silly, there’s nothing to worry about," it now says things like, "Well, I don’t know, maybe there is something to worry about here." The paradox is that the more the intellect openly engages the emotions, the stronger they become. The stronger they become, the fainter the intellect’s reassurances become – the fearful feelings effectively drown out the voice of reason.

Clearly, the intellect must win if we are going to be emotionally healthy people. The intellect is the arbiter of what is right and wrong, reasonable and unreasonable. While the feelings enrich our lives and make us more authentically human, they easily lead us down the wrong path. We can multiply examples of this unhappy fact. There’s the woman whose feelings of neediness push her back into a physically abusive relationship. Or the teen who adopts reckless behavior to win the approval of his peers. Everywhere we see examples of havoc that results when feelings drive a person’s life.

The bottom line is this: We cannot live well unless the intellect – the rational faculty each of us possesses -- rules. This is doubly true of anxiety sufferers. The feelings of dread and panic cannot be permitted to carry the day. We know better than to heed irrational worries, but we do so because they become so emotion-charged, so arresting. So what do we do?

The secret is to allow these feelings to burn themselves out. The intellect must stop engaging the fearful impulses in open conflict. They must be allowed to simply spend themselves and dissipate over time.

Let’s say an obsessive worry arises. The emotions begin to flare. Instead of engaging them in open conflict, try sorting out in your mind what your feelings are telling you and what your intellect is telling you. Remind yourself that your intellect is less likely to mislead you than your emotions. Make a decision – a firm act of the will – to follow your intellect, no matter how intense your feelings are. This will take some self-discipline, but you must do it.

It may be helpful to ask yourself what belief your feelings are trying to impose upon you. At the bottom of every worry is a belief, such as "I am in terrible danger" or "I am on the verge of insanity." The intellect may reject it, but the feelings behave as if you really do believe it in your inmost being.

Having determined the belief that is being presented to you by your worries, take a short reality check. Ask yourself these questions about the belief that your emotions are presenting to you:

• Dispassionately considered, is this a rational, sensible belief?
  
  
• Does it look foolish written down on paper?
  
  
• Would I recommend such a belief to another person?
  
  
• Would an emotionally healthy person entertain such a belief?
  
  
• In my stronger, more clear-headed moments, would I think it worthy of belief?
  

After this brief inventory, end the inner struggle right then and there and go about your business. Don’t spend any more time thinking the matter over. You will feel a prod to analyze and dissect the worry further, but you must refuse to do this -- uncomforatable as this may be. The feelings, of course, will rage on. Let them. Don’t fight them anymore. Don’t analyze them. Just keep doing whatever you were doing before the anxiety started. Or find something else to do.

As this drama is playing itself out, it’s important to tell yourself that it’s OK to feel anxious for a while. Your feelings will fire off all their artillery until they are exhausted. In time, the worries will fade. That’s the good news. Anxiety that is not fought against tends to drop off – cancelled due to lack of interest.

This is not easy to do, of course. You may have to remind yourself to hang in there, using statements like:

• "I’m not going to let my feelings do my thinking for me."
  
  
• "This is an irrational worry, and I don’t argue against irrational worries. They don’t deserve my attention."
  
  
• "I’ll just feel some discomfort for a time, but then it will subside. It’s OK."
  
  
• "I know I don’t really believe what my feelings are telling me is true, so I’m going to act like I don’t – no matter how I feel."
  
  
• "Regardless of what my emotions are telling me, this is really no big deal. It’s only anxiety."
  

So don’t let your intellect and emotions battle any more. You’ll be the loser if you do. Instead, let your feelings punch themselves out. It’s the only way to win the anxiety war.